# Ah-ah
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream
# And let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #
(Simon) Whenever I feel homesick for England, I do one of three things.
I drink 18 pints of warm beer before throwing up
all over my $500 Louboutin pony pumps,
I happy-slap a pearly queen,
or...
I look at my London snow globe...
and I'm back there.
Not that my view growing up in Reading was quite so romantic.
Ah, you... you wanker! If you think you're getting your leg over, forget it.
- (Dog barks) - Weasel.
- (# A Spoonful Of Sugar) - But a boy can have dreams.
Mine often involved Mary Poppins
floating down from the sky to offer wise words of inspiration.
Tell that sister of yours to get over herself, girlfriend.
What's so brilliant about Mary-bleedin'-Poppins?
Er... she's practically perfect in every way.
- Why haven't we got nannies? - Er... cos we're 13.
Can you stop saying "Er" in front of everything
cos, er... it's really getting on my, er... tits.
Posh kids have nannies cos their parents can't be arsed to look after 'em.
And yet in the eternal class struggle,
it's always people like us that social services come sniffing after.
(Wolf-whistles)
Oh, bless.
- Bet Mary Poppins never got a wolf-whistle. - You say that like it's a bad thing.
Wake up and smell the coffee, Simon. No one is gonna blow into your life on an umbrella.
Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
(Woman) Oh!
Wanna bet?
Ohh-ohh! Aaaghh!
- Who's that? - New English teacher.
Aaa-aaagh!
Ohhh! Ohhh!
Close your mouth, Simon. We are not a codfish.
(Posh accent) Reading's such a dump, guys.
I don't know how you do it.
Oh, I Just want to be back in London, you know?
The King's Road. Sloane Square.
The parties. The life.
(Sighs) The beautiful people.
I had a lover in London.
Francois.
He dumped me.
I stuck a pin in a map and I ended up here.
Thought I'd fallen out of love with the Smoke, but now...
Miss, was... Francois amazing?
Francois...
was the most arousing lover...
that I've ever had.
Proficient, attentive,
enduring,
tender when he needed to be,
but not frightened of being rough.
Really rough, God damn it!
He took me to Klosters once.
We made love in the snow.
Pounding, furtive,
animalistic lovemaking.
- (Laughter) - Deeper and deeper, and louder...
and louder, oh!
(Panting)
I'm going to organise a school skiing trip.
(Simon) Which literally meant...
(Miss Prentice) I'm going to take you away from all this.
(Commentary on TV)
So what the feck would you want to go skiing for?
Er... because it's educational?
And what's educational about slidin' off an alp?
I bet the après-ski post-piste piss-up's a giggle, though, Ands.
- Hayley, he's 13. - It's an outrageous suggestion.
It's not outrageous at all, God damn it.
Who's that over there?
- Hayley's mate Sheila-Galesha. She's blind. - Oh.
She's a bit lonely cos her flatmate's moved out. She's quite shy and retirin'.
This book's shit.
There's no sex in it.
- I'm gonna get off now, Hayley. - Oh, OK.
Um... I'll, er... I'll... I'll show you out.
Give over nippin' me, Hayley. You're like a bloody dog.
It's been lovely meetin' you all.
You and all, darlin'. Go easy in them flares, yeah?
- That really is the blind leadin' the blind. - (Hayley) I 'eard that.
- (Door shuts) - How much does this trip cost?
It's a snip at only £418.
Four hundred and... Where does she think she's teaching? Friggin' Eton?
- What, so you're not going to give it me? - Got it in one, sunshine.
You gave Ashlene 20 quid when she went to Alton Towers.
Yeah, well, 20 quid is slightly different than 400 big ones.
Plus the telly's on the blink.
It's making Melinda Messenger look epileptic.
- You came unprepared. - (Laughs) Yes, I did, I...
If we buy a new telly, we can all benefit from it. What do we get out of you going skiing?
I'd let you wear my Jump suit, if I got one.
You better face facts. It ain't gonna happen.
This is abuse! I'm phoning social services.
They'll know who you are, after where you sent me to nursery.
The orphanage gave you a deeper understanding of other children's pain.
What about this child's pain now?
- The other daycare facilities were full up. - They had a lovely dildo-rail.
- Victorian? - Quasi.
Then there's only one thing for it. I shall have to go out and earn the money myself.
(Laughter)
Skinflints. O ye of little faith. This is Blair's Britain.
If Noel Gallagher and Meg can go to 10 Downing Street,
I think I can earn some money and get me to Klosters.
But, Simon, you can't do anything.
- (Hammering at door) - (Sheila-Galesha) Hayley?
I think you might've put her in the broom cupboard, darling.
(Chuckles) Well, she gets on my tits.
- (Hammering) - Hayley?
For God's sake.
(Hammering)
(Dynasty theme tune)
Dynasty is to die for.
I wish I'd have been older in the '80s.
(Sighs)
Padded shoulders are a godsend to the waist.
It's no good, Kylie.
I'm gonna have to get a Job.
# Goo-gan da goo-goo mm ba-ba Mm-bee dul-dee-boo
# Mm-dooboo, ba-ba-ba...
- Could you stop? That is really annoying. - Sure she's only scattin', Hayley.
Call that a scat? This is scat.
# Buh duh zuh-zuh-zuh zuz-zuh-zuh
# Zah-zah-zaz bluz wazzoo!
# Boodoo dee doo! Boodoo dee doo!
Oh!
Mum, can I come and be a glass collector at your pub?
No, you're too young.
Dad.
- Can I come and help you out at work? - Yes.
# HalleluJahl #
Or to put it another way, no.
By the rhythm of your late-night flicking, you're not a happy bunny.
Hayley's been all weird with me since she got this new friend.
- Sheila-Galesha? - Don't trust people with double-barrel names.
Well, it's great for Hayley to have a pal who's... like her.
She's not like her. Hayley's a laugh.
And she may be blind but she looks out for everyone.
Sheila-Galesha's Just dull.
Then there's this new teacher of Simon's. He's obsessed with her.
"Miss Prentice this, Miss Prentice that." What's she got I haven't got?
- By all accounts, she is fabulous. - I'm fabulous!
At least I thought I was.
I'm losing him, Andy, I'm losing my baby.
Are you on your blob?
New men. They're not happy unless they're dragging your cycle into it.
You see, y'are fabulous.
You've got forthright opinions and you hose people with them at the drop of a hat.
I do not!
I like a nice dwarf, and I won't rest until I see a midget in parliament.
Cigarettes are life-enhancing.
But Arctic roll is evil.
Aaahh! Aaahh!
Childbirth doesn't hurt unless you're a naturally whiny person.
OK, so I'm opinionated. Can we Just drop it?
No, what I mean is you're a strong woman so our Simon's comfortable with strong women,
which is why he's drawn to this... you know, Miss Prentice bird.
(Simon) She'd every reason to be Jealous.
Our love affair with the obJect of her disaffection was soaring.
I feel so claustrophobic here.
Reading's...
so oppressive, guys.
Oh!
I can barely breathe.
(Simon) She walks, she talks, and guess what.
She sings.
# There's gotta be something better than this
# There's gotta be something better to do
# And when I find me something better to do
# I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get up, get out and do it
# And when I find me
# Some kind of life I can live
# I'm gonna get up
# I'm gonna get out
# I'm gonna get up, get out
# And live #
Live it!
- What are you doing? - Er... my mum works here.
So? Come on.
- (Pop music playing) - (Fruit machine beeps)
Francois was like...
poetry itself, you know?
Is she here?
A Roman nose.
A furtive eyebrow.
Well, he had two eyebrows, obviously.
I mean, he wasn't like hideously disfigured in a student-prank-gone-wrong type thing.
(Sighs) He said...
my tits
were like two upturned...
crème brûlées...
without the burnt bits on the bottom.
You have a look of him.
Oh. Was he black?
Mm, no.
Tell us some more about skiing.
Hayley! Hayley, you stupid bitch, you're sitting on my ironing.
Oh, I thought it was a cushion.
What are you, blind?
- Sorry. - Oh.
- And I'm a bitch? I'm a bitch? - I said bitch in a nice way.
Well, you won't have to worry about "the bitch" any more
because this bitch is mo-oo-ovin' out.
Oh, yeah? Where to? Let me guess. Sheila-Galesha's.
- Got a problem with that? - I thought she got on your tits.
You get on my tits. I still moved in.
I can't wait to see how long you last there.
You'll either die of boredom or burst into flames from the swish of her loon pants.
- (Door slams) - Oh, bollocks.
One day, we're going to move to London.
Yes, and live amongst the beautiful people.
And do you know what, boys?
I think you will.
I think...
you will.
(Simon) Of course I know that look now. It means...
(Miss Prentice) You don't know this yet,
but you're both raging homosexualists.
- Is Pervy Pete in? - No.
Shame. I got him a beautiful Sam Fox tea towel from Argos. Ooh, she's a luscious lovely.
(Laughter)
Who served them?
Oi! Fag-ash Lil! What d'you think you're playing at?
- Are you talking to me? - No, to Su Pollard. Course I'm talking to you.
- I don't understand. - Is that cos you're a little bit thick?
Ooh, you really are quite a vulgar little piece, aren't you?
Sorry, can someone translate? I don't speak la-di-da, darling.
Mother! You're showing me up.
Oh...!
I see.
Get your hands off him. What kind of a woman are you?
And what kind of a mother are you?
- Think you're hard cos you're a teacher? - Not really.
You know, I knew I was teaching kids who'd had a poor start in life,
but I didn't realise they were from the ghetto.
I ain't ghetto! D'you hear me? I ain't ghetto!
I ain't Netto! And I ain't... Simon! What else rhymes with Netto?
- Rigoletto? - Cornetto.
- Mum, let her go! - Oh! Oh! Oh! Eeee-eee-eeeh-aaahhh!
Eeeh-aahh! Uh! Ow! Aaaah-hahha!
Aaah!
Oh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!
Ugh! Wha...
Aah! Aaagghh!
Oh! Get off me!
Aaghh-haa-haa-haa!
Aaahhh-haa!
If only there was a nearby lily pond, then it'd Just be like Alexis and Krystal in Dynasty.
- Ooh! - (Outside) Ow-www!
- (Simon) And as if by magic... - Oh!
Come here!
Uh! Aah!
Uh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Uh! Grraah!
Ah! Oh!
Uh! Aahhh!
Ugh!
Uhhh!
- Oh! - (Splash)
Fabulous.
Simon, 13-year-old boys are not allowed in pubs.
What if the filth had come in?
I don't know what filth means. I'm not vulgar.
The pub'd lose its licence, I'd lose my Job, we'd all starve.
Mum? Where's all Aunt Hayley's stuff gone?
- She moved out. - What?
You're quite happy for me to sink a skinful in here. Ergo, you're a hypocrite.
Drop it, Simon. There's hardly any alcohol in your father's potato and Vimto wine.
- She moved out? - We're not Joined at the hip.
You're Just Jealous because Miss Prentice is something you'll never be.
- Pert-bottomed? - Mild-mannered?
- Nice? - Bohemian!
You are looking for a smack, Simon Doonan, do you hear me?
The whole of Reading can hear you!
- (Running steps) - (Slam)
(Simon) Of course, all good love affairs must come to an end.
Francois...
is begging me to take him back.
I miss his touch,
his smell,
first thing in the morning,
like burnt oranges in the California sun.
But... what about the skiing trip?
I raised 60 quid towards it.
Here's my address.
Write.
I'll tell my mum not to report you.
Oh, boys.
I've been to Nice,
and the isle of Greece,
and I've shipped champagne on a yacht.
I've moved like Harlow
in Monte Carlo
and I've showed 'em what I've got.
I've been undressed by kings,
and I've seen some things
that a woman
ain't supposed to see.
I've been to Reading,
but I've never...
been to me.
Au revoir!
# I've been to paradise...
(Both) Au revoir.
# Never been to me
# I've been to Georgia and California... #
(# A Spoonful Of Sugar)
London's calling, girlfriend.
(Knock at door)
(Sighs)
We're getting the new telly tomorrow.
It's got a really massive screen. It'll be like sitting in the pictures.
Can you leave me alone, please? This is my bedroom.
My private space.
And what paid for your Poppy Pocket duvet set, Simon?
- Polly Pocket. - Plumbing and barmaiderie.
Don't be a snob on us.
(# Sam Taylor: Runaway)
(Door slams)
# Too many cars, men in bars and broken hearts
# Riding a bus that takes them nowhere
# Too many houses, narrow streets and narrow minds
# And this little town
# Has done for me
# I can live behind a smile but I'll never breathe
# I can make the best of life but I'll never leave
# For the sanctity of soul
# I'd better run away
# Hey...
- What are you doing, girlfriend? - I know what we'll do with your money.
(Simon) We were finally going to move amongst the beautiful people.
Shepherd's Bush.
It sounds so beautiful.
That's where they film Blue Peter.
My God. It must be really beautiful.
Only the beautiful people must live there. And Anthea Turner.
I wonder what Francois looks like.
Oh, my God. I bet he looks like Jason Orange or something.
(Debbie) Simon?
Simon?
Do you want some breakfast?
Simon?
Suit yourself, then.
(Simon) A therapist might say my running away was a cry for help.
It's Just a shame nobody seemed to hear it.
# I can make the best of life
# But I'll never leave
# For the sanctity of soul
# I'd better run away...
(Simon) And a keen observer might say if Aunty Hayley had moved out
- why had she left her hideous paintings? - Hayley?
(Simon) She might have been blind, but she sure had taste.
- Thought I, er... might move back in. - If it's what you want.
- Don't want your pity. - You won't get it.
I did.
When you first came in the pub, I thought, "Ah, poor blind bird in the corner."
But then when you opened your mouth, you were talking gibberish,
you were on six E's, a gram of speed, teetering on the edge of a K-hole,
but I could see underneath it all you were brilliant.
It is hard being this perfect.
What happened with Sheila-Galesha?
Well, you were right, she is dull.
- And, um... quite windy. - Right.
- Front and back. - I very rarely do that.
Except when you took me to Yogalates.
Yeah, but one swallow don't make a summer.
(Both chuckle)
(Simon) And speaking of summer,
Kylie and I discovered the sun always shines on Shepherd's Bush Green.
Well, except when it's raining, I suppose, or... or snowing.
- Wake up. Come on, wake up. - Oh!
Simon, come and watch the new telly with us!
- Have you seen him this morning? - He's in a funny mood.
He could be laying dead in bed. Fingers crossed.
- Don't be horrible, Ashlene. - Yeah, Ashlene, you is well out of order.
Da-nah!
- Hey! - Yay!
- Simon! Come on down! - Simon!
Leave him, he'll be down in a minute. He loves Live & Kicking. I think he fancies Zoë Ball.
Can you blame him? She is a dirty great ride.
Grab your phones and press these numbers...
# There's a place for us
# Somewhere
# A place for us
# Peace and quiet
# And open air
# Wait for us
# Somewhere
# There's a place for us
# A time and place for us
# Hold my hand
# And we're halfway there
# Hold my hand
# And I'll take you there...
(Simon) And we also discovered that first impressions can be deceptive.
This can't be right.
(Birmingham accent) What?
Er... is Miss Prentice in?
- What, you mean Maureen? - Who is it, Francois?
You're Francois?
- What the bloody 'ell are you doing here? - We've run away.
- Thought we could move in with you. - What? Are you completely mad?
Our parents don't understand us.
Who the hell are these two nancy boys, Maureen?
Keep away from me and never come here again.
Go on!
# Hold my hand
# And I'll take you there
# Somehow
# Some day
# Somewhere #
Come on, girlfriend, all is not lost.
Well, that went well. We'll sort it out later...
- I feel sick. - Oh, d'you want some Rescue Remedy?
I have it for whenever I hear steps.
- The group? - Behind me.
D'you want to know what we do on Friday night?
- Zoë Ball looks like a bloke. - All I said was...
- All you said was you thought she was fit. - Exactly.
Have you got no consideration for your poor wife's feelings?
Just cos I get a book out of the library doesn't mean I'm gonna shag it.
What if I started rubbing myself up the screen when Andi Peters came on?
You're rubbing yourself up the wrong tree.
# We're gonna rock this Joint until the morning light
# Crowd is Jumping, hey, it feels all right
- Simon? - # Forget Monday, Tuesday
# Wednesday, Thursday, hey, it's Friday night
- #Just another day... - (Both) Simon?
# Sitting watching the clock...
- What? - Hayley, pass me the phone.
- Simon's on the telly. - What?
He's a good ol' mover.
# Pushin' Monday through to Friday...
Police, please.
(Debbie) Don't you ever do that to me again.
London's skanky.
I thought it was where I wanted to end up,
but...
now I've got no dream.
London's a big place, Simon.
You've Just been to the wrong part.
Before I met your dad, I lived with this gorgeous bloke called Jamie.
Oh, he was a scream, Jamie, funny, snappy dresser,
and what he didn't know about Liza Minnelli was nobody's business.
He used to say that every night he dreamt he went on his roof
and he Jumped off, and he danced across the roof tops of London.
And he said one day he was gonna do it,
cos he said you should never give up on your dreams.
He gave me this.
I want you to have it.
You never give up on your dreams.
Did he ever do it?
(Sighs) He got ill,
and... and he died.
(Sniffs)
And I didn't know him for long, but he touched my life.
I still get the occasional tea cosy from his friend Philip.
- Tea cosy? - Oh, he's mad, darling.
Am I like Jamie?
(Whispers) No.
(Simon) And it was in that moment I realised...
my mother was in denial.
I love you.
(Door shuts)
As was I...
wanting to find the beautiful people,
when maybe they were closer to home than I thought.
# We're gonna get there
# Oh, we're gonna get there
# And we'll see beautiful smiles
# From the beautiful people
# We're gonna get there
# Oh, we're gonna get there
- # And we'll have beautiful lives... - (Whispers) It's gonna be all right.
# With the beautiful people
# I'm sick of them staring
# Looking me up and down
# Oh-oh, in this old town
# Well, it's only cos they ain't got nothing else to do
# And maybe when you go and find somewhere new
# Oh-oh, they'll miss you now
# They'll miss you now
# Oh-oh
# Oh-oh, this old town
# We're gonna get there
# And we'll see beautiful smiles from the beautiful people
# We're gonna get there
# And we'll have beautiful lives with the beautiful people
# Don't let them go
# Your dreams may be foolish... #